The Couch

I had just put my pipe down the other day when I suddenly decided it was finally time to get rid of that old couch. I made my way to the living room, which took a while, and as I gathered whatever strength I thought I had, and started to move it upwards, I heard it... I heard it as clearly as I can hear my own voice. 

"What are you doing?" It said. 

I immediately dropped let go of it, and held myself onto the wall. I must've been crazy! 

"Who's there?" I asked, even though I knew exactly what was going on! 

"Were you about to throw me out?! You were, weren't you?"

His voice was so aggressive! It seemed like it was under a lot of distress, and it frightened me greatly. I tried calming him down, but maybe all I did was make him even angrier.

"Buddy! I just think you deserve a better home! Nothing else!"

"A better home?! Ya think?! Noooo! Really?! Well, guess what, genius? I do deserve a better home! But look at what you've done to me in the past five years! Look at me! Look! Are ya looking, pal? Would you put me in your house? Would you? I'm pretty sure nobody in their right mind will ever put a sofa like me in their so called better homes! Thanks a lot for ruining me, you bastard."

Truth is I had never really thought about how much I mistreated the guy... Always vomiting on it... Getting coffee stains all over it... And so much more. So much. 

"Look, guy... I'm sorry, okay? I never realized you were alive, that's all... Trust me, okay? We'll settle you outside by the sidewalk, and someone is gonna take you to a better place. You need to trust me on this one, okay?" I was the kindest human being on Earth, and I felt as if we had bonded then... I was wrong. 

"Where's your wife, huh?"

"My wife...? Why...? Oh, no!" I had just realized how dangerous he actually was. The monster I had created. 

"Oh, yes!"

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, but I would! What was the girl's name again? I may not remember her name, but I sure can call you Secretariat from now on, am I right? Huh? You put me out, and you'll know how well I remember that evening you two were foolin' around here on top of me! Put me out! Do it! I dare ya!"

Well... Making a long story short... I never had the guts to throw the psycho out. He's still here, and ocasionally, from time to time, I'm pretty sure I can hear him humming. Luckily, he's been keeping his promise to stay quiet, and my marriage is safe for now. 

Weird thing is... I could swear I heard my wife whispering to the bed one of these days.